What is Infidelity?

Seems like an easy question to answer, but maybe not. Many of my clients who have betrayed their spouse struggle to understand the hurt they have caused due to the large variance in ways infidelity shows up in a relationship. So let's define infidelity:

Infidelity is defined as "the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner." Well, that is as clear as mud! Let's break that down: Infidelity can be ANY action by a romantic partner that results in a lack of faith in the commitment of that partner to the relationship. Here are some examples:

1. Sexual affair: This is the act of infidelity that most of us think about when we think about "cheating." One partner engages in a sexual experience with someone outside of the bounds of their marriage/relationship. This can be a one-night stand, but the term affair usually refers to a longer-standing extramarital relationship.

2. Emotional affair: Emotional affairs are extramarital relationships that never cross the line of becoming physical however involve romantic connection and interactions. Many sexual affairs start as an emotional affair but not every emotional affair becomes sexual. Even without physical/sexual connection, this is still a betrayal to a long-term marriage/partnership.

3. Interactive Pornography: We all know what pornography is and certainly this viewing of pornography can be considered infidelity by some if a boundary has been set and/or it is being done in secret. However, is not limited to passive viewing, rather it can go much further via interactive live-streams with the people you are viewing. There it is possible to chat and interact with the same person repeatedly. Add in that this is generally kept a secret and it can amount to a full act infidelity with nothing but a screen in between. 

4. Financial Infidelity: I think this category is important to note because, on its own, dishonesty about use of finances is detrimental to trust but also because often it goes hand in hand with sexual/romantic/interactive porn infidelity. The money spent and secrecy needed to carry on an affair is an added hurt and barrier to healing. With or without an affair, the transparency needed with finances is extremely important in reestablishing trust.